What would it actually mean to listen to Bad Bunny
On Sunday night I was watching Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl halftime performance while I was anxiously waiting for a text from my brother that he and his family were back home safe. My brother’s wife is from Colombia and - along with their two sons - they were traveling back from Colombia after visiting family and were expected home on Sunday evening. There was absolutely no legally-justified reason for me to worry about them having any issues coming back into the U.S. But I was. And as minutes went by without hearing from them, my anxiety grew.
Eventually, I found out the reason for the delay: they were in a locked room with three border patrol agents. Luckily their two and four year old children were too unaware to be scared. With no legal reason to keep them, they’re now safe and sound back at home. Part of me feels like I should just be grateful they’re home - especially when I know thousands of Americans can’t say that about their loved ones. But another part of me is furious and wants to lash out.
But there’s a third part in there, too. It’s the one that was feeling inspired by Bad Bunny on Sunday - along with his Grammy acceptance speech a week before. It’s the part of me that wants to believe his message that only love can conquer hate, and wants to live those words in a meaningful way.
But in thinking more about what it actually means to “choose love,” I’ve had to face the fact that I’ve got some inner work to do. Because if I’m being totally honest with myself: I am frequently engaged in judgment - even hate. I think many of us are.
My harsh judgments don’t just play out ideologically or politically, but very much professionally and personally. I wonder if yours do as well.
Right now there may be entire groups of people that you’ve given up on seeing as fully and equally “human.” There might be a relationship that you are passively (or not so passively) torpedoing. There might be a colleague that you have “othered” in some way (e.g., written them off as a “low performer”). There may be someone in your life that you are ghosting, mocking, or secretly rooting for their demise.
Do we do this because we’re cruel? No. I don’t think I’m cruel. But the people who briefly detained and terrified my family Sunday night don’t think they’re cruel either.
Hurting each other is not in our nature. But we (humans) can do so when we’ve aligned ourselves more closely with a tribe or a label, which then allows us to start judging and dehumanizing the people we see as outside - or counter to - our group. So it’s not our nature to hurt each other, but we’re very capable of hurting “the other.”
We usually don’t set out to cast judgment or cause harm. When we pit ourselves against “the other,” we do this because we feel angry or scared, and we sincerely believe that we are righteous / justified / worthy and the “other” is not. We don’t think we’re “choosing hate,” even when we’re taking a stance of judgment or aggression. We just think we’re in the right. And so it is with our perceived enemy or aggressor.
“Choosing love” doesn’t mean we surrender to the enemy. I think choosing love requires us to question the very notion that our “enemy” is “other.”
That does NOT mean that we step down or passively allow harmful behaviors from others. When we choose love, we may still actively fight FOR what they are fighting against. We may put up boundaries or break off that relationship that is not serving us, because choosing love toward someone doesn’t mean that we choose them in our lives or on our teams.
In fact, I think choosing love requires us to stand up for what we believe, but it also requires us to hold compassion for those in our way. It means that we have to allow for anger but guard against hate. And perhaps hardest of all: that when we do feel judgement or hate, we try to resist moving to action so that we can do our own inner-work.
And that inner-work is: accepting and holding our anger but recognizing when it starts to transform into judgment and hate. Then slowing ourselves down so that we can actively choose compassion. We try to see our “enemy” as equally and fully human. We allow for our anger and suffering while also trying to touch theirs. If compassion is out of reach, we try curiosity, and at least attempt to understand them at a deeper level.
The prolific Buddhist monk and writer Thich Nhat Hanh said that the beginning of insight is the moment “you begin to see that your enemy is suffering.” This kind of “insight” might feel soft and weak to some, but it has power. So much power that it instantly breaks the cycle of hate.
I don’t think this work is easy or popular. But I do think it’s the real inner work of “choosing love over hate.” And at least for now, I’m feeling more motivated to do the hard work of making that choice in my own life.
