The scarier it feels to say, the more healing it might be to say it
A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a really hard conversation. In fact, “conversation” feels like the wrong word. More like a “fight.”
It felt especially hard because it rarely happens. Of course, we bump heads in various ways all the time. But really “having it out” is very rare. And when it happens, it’s unsettling.
But after a night of going to bed angry and waking up feeling disconnected and disheartened, we were able to have a much less contentious and more real conversation. And it became apparent that - ten years into our beautiful marriage - we’re still finding new ways to be more honest with ourselves and each other. Still finding ways to better accept and deal with our shared reality, as versus rationalizing, sugar-coating, or distracting ourselves from the harder parts of our lives and relationship. And it’s amazing how quickly the truth can heal. Fifteen minutes of getting vulnerable with each other and I felt so much better.
In my personal experience - and what I often see with the leaders we support - is that the distress we experience is often the result of ways in which we resist reality. Humans are evolved to be highly social creatures and we’ve got powerful instincts to avoid facing feelings and thoughts that signal a disconnect with the people in our personal or professional lives that we feel most dependent on.
But nothing could be more natural than sometimes feeling angry, scared, or hurt - even with the people we most love or rely on. And it’s in avoiding those feelings where the tension builds and the distress sets in. But if we accept those emotions and get honest with ourselves, we intuitively feel that we CAN actually deal with whatever the reality. In fact, dealing with it often makes us stronger and brings us closer.
That type of courageous honesty is hard. When we support teams in sharing these kinds of truths with each other, heart rates speed up and the nervous system activates. We feel our bodies getting ready to enter dangerous territory. But when we can overcome the fear and be honest, the heart rate will come down - sometimes surprisingly quickly. And when it does, often a weight has been lifted.
Compare this to when we avoid that honesty in favor of keeping our “mask” on. It often feels safer and more desirable, at least in the short term. It’s certainly less intense. But it’s a slow death of not living in our truth, and the impact on the body will be more profound, even if it’s more chronic and less perceptible.
I invite you to make a list of things that - on some level - you’re afraid to admit to yourself or say out loud. What are you REALLY feeling? Try to dig as deep as you can into your true experience. Why are you resisting this part of your reality? What would it feel like to bring your defenses down and fully accept whatever it is? What would it feel like to say it out loud?
