The Gift of Emotional Freedom
There’s a growing body of research to show that the highest functioning teams are the most honest. They can share their actual experiences, thoughts, and feelings without fear of repercussion. And that allows them to shed the tremendous cognitive load most teams carry by constantly thinking about HOW to say something, whether to say it, or what magical combination of words will avoid upsetting THIS person while still influencing THAT person.
Most teams spend an outrageous amount of energy doing that sort of performative “dance” with each other. Even though our bodies and hearts hate that dance, we still do it. We do it because of fear. We do it because we don’t feel safe enough NOT to do it.
If you lead a team and you want to give them psychological safety – you want to rid them of the burden of having to spend their time and energy “navigating” each other instead of just working and being with each other – then you have to be willing to give them emotional freedom. That means: stop trying to control how they feel.
Because when we fail to give our teams safety, it usually doesn’t come from a bad place. It didn’t for me. I never set out to make my team “unsafe” – I just wanted to make sure they felt “good.” I had this idea that high functioning teams work in harmony and don’t feel discomfort. And if my team DOES feel uncomfortable then it must be a sign that I’m failing in some way.
This mentality leads to a version of “Jekyll and Hyde” where the leader might voice their desire for radical candor but then tries to control the space enough so that it stays “positive” or comfortable. I would tell my team that I want them to tell me exactly what they think and feel, and sometimes I really meant it. But when my insecurities got the better of me, my “Hyde” would come out and I would approach someone afterwards on the sidelines. “Hey, I’m worried how that came across in there when you said x, y, z… “. And just like that: there goes the safety. If I was talking to someone that was already feeling heightened risk in sharing, they may never be fully honest with me again.
In those moments, I was so focused on protecting “comfort” – and my own image as the “good leader” – that I wasn’t ready to give them the kind of freedom I purported to desire. True emotional freedom means: you get to feel the way you feel. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, elated, anxious, frustrated, grateful, or warm – you get to have that feeling. As the leader, I get to have my own feelings. We all get to have our own feelings, and we can let ourselves learn from each other’s experiences, and we can feel for each other, but we don’t have to control each other.
This is HARD to do. In many ways, we are conditioned to believe that we SHOULD be controlling each other’s feelings. Letting that go is kind of a radical idea - and potentially a frightening one. Thankfully, we can take comfort in the research, which is unequivocal.
It’s not true that everyone needs to feel happy and comfortable all the time. In fact, it’s literally impossible. It’s not true that the highest functioning teams always feel comfortable. It is true that the highest functioning teams have the most freedom and safety to be honest with each other. And here’s the good news: while emotional freedom means making space for discomfort, frustration, and ALL the feelings, the end product is a feeling of safety and downright liberation that your team will never want to let go. Even when it does feel uncomfortable.
