Want to transform? First, surrender.

Visualize yourself surrounded by the people you work with.  With some of them you might feel closely connected, like you are “with” them.  While with others, you might feel more distant or even “against” them - as if there is a barrier that exists to truly understanding and connecting with them.  

The more we start to understand that barrier, the more we see that it may not be between us, but inside of us.  And that barrier has a name: ego.   

Our ego is the part of our brain that’s constantly defining how we’re different.  It gives us a story about who we are that we then feel we have to live out, project, protect, and defend.  That story comes along with a core “need” – though the need looks different depending on your particular type of ego.

Some people feel like they need to be liked or admired.  Others feel the need to control.  Or to be “right.”  Or feel certain.  While others feel a need for constant comfort or stimulation.

Whatever the dominant need, it will come between you and the people you work with.  It gives you a hidden agenda and becomes a barrier to truly seeing people as they are and connecting with them on a more profound level.  

I’ve spent much of my career clinging to my need to avoid pain and suffering.  That’s caused me to see things with rose-colored glasses, consciously / unconsciously manipulate people to be more “positive” and avoid conflicts that would make me feel bad.  Getting over that and learning to be more present with people has made me a better leader and a healthier human.  But it’s been a humbling process of surrender.  I’ve had to give up my commitment to avoiding pain.  (And it’s a journey I am still very much on.)

What we’ve seen repeatedly with the participants in our Authentic Leaders intensives is that transforming their leadership is not about becoming someone new, but about surrendering something very old:  a commitment to your ego’s primary attachment.  It’s not an easy process.  It requires stillness, awareness, and the courage to explore what previously unimaginable choices might feel like.  (It helps when you can explore with a group of actors, first!) But the process is almost always rewarded.  Because while our egos might be sure we need control, or to be liked, etc. – our bodies and hearts often reward us when we can put those attachments to the side.  Lo and behold, surrender can feel pretty darn good.