The Invisible Danger of Praise
Have you ever gotten a piece of praise that strokes your ego but makes your heart sink? Perhaps you get the validation you’ve been chasing after, but somehow – on some deeper level – it doesn’t feel so good when you actually get it.
We all have egos, and the theory of the enneagram tells us that each of our egos are chasing one thing in particular, and whatever that thing is, it can never be fully obtained. Many leaders we work with have the “achiever” ego type, and no amount of recognition or admiration will ever satiate their desire to be seen as successful – but they will eventually exhaust themselves to the point of physical or emotional breakdown in their pursuit. The “perfectionists” we support can spend all their energy trying to do everything “right” (whatever that means) and forcing themselves to be who they think they “should be” – barely keeping a lid on the anger, tension, and resentment that may ultimately overwhelm them. The “peacemakers” we’ve coached will do just about anything to maintain an artificial sense of harmony and comfort, even if that means completely ignoring their own needs and running around frantically trying to meet everyone else’s expectations of them.
When we’re moving through life on auto-pilot, we don’t even realize that we’re blindly chasing something that can never be obtained. We have trouble seeing that it’s a self-destructive process, often until it’s too late and we have no other choice but to re-evaluate because we’ve hit the point of physical or emotional collapse. Often our “chase” is not just destructive for us, but the people around us. Nevertheless, the chase DOES get us something our egos like – something that can fuel that self-destructive cycle.
Praise.
Every “achiever” we’ve worked with has heard the same pieces of praise throughout their career. “Hardworker.” “High performer.” “Efficient.” At least, those are the words they’ll hear at work. At home they might hear words like “workaholic,” “distracted” or “not present.”
“Perfectionists” will hear about their “ standards” or “high bar,” likely from people not realizing how they’re feeding an extremely harsh self-critical ego voice that has wrongly convinced them that there is a “right” and “wrong” way to do just about anything.
“Peacemakers” will get praise for how “unfazed,” “calm” or “team-oriented” they are from managers that don’t realize that what seems like humility is actually a dehumanizing internal process in which that person is routinely making themselves small, looking away from their own needs & feelings and living their lives in a somewhat numb state as a result.
I’m not trying to shame managers (like myself) who have offered praise to their people with good intentions. I always tended to see praise as an unequivocal “good,” but I’ve come to understand that praise is ultimately another type of judgment, albeit with a more “positive” spin. And the effect on the person’s deeper growth and well-being may not be so “positive.” Telling an “achiever” that they’re the hardest worker on the team may have the same end result as telling them they need to step it up. It fuels the inner-voice that says “Must. Keep. Working.” Telling a “perfectionist” about their high standards is partly what convinces them they need to spend 15 minutes trying to get that one word “right” in that inconsequential email. These behaviors aren’t just unhealthy for the person, but for the team, because they lead to burnout, resentment, and departure.
I’m not suggesting we give up all praise, but there is another path. If we REALLY want to give the people who work for us a boost, there is a deeper, more meaningful gift we can give that will help us, too. Instead of offering an affirming label or judgment, offer curiosity instead. Sit down with that “high performer” and find out what they’re actually feeling and experiencing. Help them be honest, not just with you but with themselves. Help them feel truly seen and heard. I don’t think there’s any label in the world that compares to the feeling we get when we’re truly seen and accepted (no one tries to fix us). When we can give that to our teammates, it helps us all become more aware - and effective - as leaders. But better yet, it helps us become healthier human beings.
